


Between Dreams and Oxygen

by sunboy



Category: VICTON (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Complicated Relationships, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, then turned into, this started off as a, wet dreams as a way to further the plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:27:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29692920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunboy/pseuds/sunboy
Summary: When the oldest and youngest stop getting along, what do you do to solve it?
Relationships: Han Seungwoo/Jung Subin, Heo Chan/Jung Subin, Im Sejun/Jung Subin, Jung Subin/Kang Seungsik
Comments: 16
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a bit old by now (i wrote the first 10k of it during mid what i said promotions) but since all my current projects are long as fuck, i thought id start getting one of them out into the world, hence this mess! tags will be updated as more chapters are added, as well as relationships... maybe...? lol
> 
> u may notice my writing style here is a bit different than usual and thats because im trying something new! im very pleased with it so far but i gotta apologize in advance for how long some paragraphs are lol happy reading tho!!
> 
> also, content warning, there's a few mentions of disordered eating in this chapter

There are so many sides to Han Seungwoo.

This comes as a realization to Subin after some years of living together. It seems obvious at first, so much that it feels silly to be thinking about something so obvious as if it's some revelation that he's having just now. Of course Seungwoo has more than just one side; he's a multifaceted individual, so that's just a given. Even to their fans, who might be the only ones to reduce him to just enough traits to make him out to be nothing but a caricature of himself, he shows more than enough charms to simply make that an unlikely scenario. Seungwoo is cool and charismatic on-stage; goofy and amiable off-stage; professional and passion-driven on paper; assertive and competitive on video; and he mixes and matches all these qualities as he seems fit in the daily life of an idol, effectively showing a whole picture of who he is not just as an artist, but as a person.

So there it is. Seungwoo isn't just a one-note character. _Obviously_.

Somehow, the reality of such a plainly obvious statement doesn't dawn on Subin until six plus years of knowing each other.

Maybe it's because it's so obvious that he never stopped to consider it in its entirety. Now that he is doing that, however, he finds the realization crashing onto him with a rather sudden and maybe even a bit of a violent nature. But this has less to do with the statement itself—he still thinks that it's silly to be even thinking about it—and more to do with what it entails.

It's even more weird considering that it's not even a special occasion; it's still just another day filled with hurried breakfasts, long practice hours, various time-consuming schedules, and finally some short rest period at night that they otherwise spend on their hobbies or miscellaneous tasks. Subin does nothing but laze around as he waits for the bathroom to be freed so he can shower, still wearing the same clothes he wore during practice, switching between checking his name on social media and going around the dorm bothering the others. His room is surprisingly empty—Sejun is out on a walk and Seungsik is presumably keeping the bathroom occupied—which leads Subin to barge into the other rooms under the guise of checking in on his friends. Truthfully, he's just looking for someone to help him kill time.

The first room he enters without knocking is, naturally, Seungwoo's single room.

It's easy to spot Seungwoo right away: he's a pretty obvious presence even when he's not trying to be one, both a good and a bad thing depending on the circumstances. It happens to be a good thing as Subin can easily tell what Seungwoo's doing: he's sitting on the floor with his back against the foot of the bed, cream-colored hoodie blending in with the soft-looking sheets and sort of camouflaging him. He looks deep in concentration. There's a notebook in his hands that Subin doesn't remember seeing before; he's possibly working, or maybe just reading something.

"Whatcha doing?"

Subin closes the door behind him and leans against it, head cocked to the side in a cute manner. His words are marked with the usual high and low tones that his friends occasionally imitate to make fun of him. Seungwoo sees this and smiles, eyes showing how endeared he is by Subin.

"Working," Seungwoo answers easily. Subin wants to say something like, _Yeah, I could tell_ , but he keeps his mouth shut. "You?"

Thinking of a way to make Seungwoo laugh—there's no particular reason for it, Subin just wants to hear Seungwoo laugh—what Subin decides to do is less cute and more amusing. Both things are in line with how he usually acts around the dorm and so he has no trouble naturally throwing his head back, letting out an exasperated shout that, as expected, makes Seungwoo let out an amused chuckle.

He follows up the shout with, "Ahh, hyung, you have to talk to Seungsik-hyung! He takes forever to shower!"

Seungwoo snorts. "How long have you been waiting?"

"Almost an hour now."

The whiny tone Subin easily adopts, it makes Seungwoo puff out another laugh. A lot of what they're doing now happens with ease: how Seungwoo pats the space next to him and how Subin wastes no time in making himself at home in the warm bubble that always accompanies Seungwoo. They sit cross-legged with only a small space between them, but as it tends to happen, soon they find themselves sitting with their sides flush against each other.

"He must be doing his skin-care routine," Seungwoo comments.

Subin hums an ambiguous response and entertains himself by staring at the notebook that Seungwoo holds open. The margins of the dotted pages have cute, printed drawings of cartoon characters, some of them with pen-drawn speech bubbles that Seungwoo must've added himself. One of them is a line of a recent drama Subin's starred in, said by the white bear from that one animated show.

It oddly fits him.

Besides the drawings on the margins, the pages are filled with Seungwoo's familiar handwriting.

Subin hooks his chin on Seungwoo's shoulder as he reads over the lines. Seungwoo is indeed working on songwriting, coming up with lyrics that feel very much like the stuff they always sing about: passionate, youthful love; the painful and harrowing breakup it often leads to; the period of regret and intense longing for the past that comes after; the revitalizing feeling that comes with the arrival of new love—a feeling so intense that it can often turn into obsession with... the same easiness found in their relationship.

It's enough to make one wonder if maybe _they_ don't experience something like that, and Subin surprises himself when he sort of agrees.

They—Seungwoo and Subin—sort of... do.

Although what they have wouldn't usually be defined as obsession—it _is_ true that they're very close, but not more so than how Seungwoo and Seungsik are close to each other, or Subin is close to everyone else in the group—surprisingly enough, Subin feels somewhat confident making such a claim. Really, is it wrong for him to think that what they have is similar to the songs they sing about, even the darker, desperate ones? Is his view so askew, so fucked up, that in some strange way that would only make sense to him and only for as long as he doesn't attempt to explain it to anyone else, Subin is able to believe that songs such as Sacrifice speak not of some hypothetical love—if you can call it that—for a nonexistent woman in Seungwoo's life, but of Seungwoo's thoughts in regards to him?

Is Subin wrong for thinking any of this?

Well, these are, of course, thoughts that he doesn't entertain often. It's not something that he lets himself dwell on too much lest his hopes get past the point of no return. It's enough to think of Seungwoo singing, _Sometimes I can feel your eyes / There might be something, I imagine it all night_ , for Subin to feel the heaviness in his chest that his hyungs are all oblivious to. It's dangerous to think this way, maybe even delusional, but then Subin finds himself singing along, _Starting from today, drive me crazy more and more_ , and he finds himself wanting to fulfill that role—to be the object of Seungwoo's desires. Acting cuter, bolder, more shameless—driving Seungwoo crazy. Subin wants to do it all, and more.

He wants to do it so bad that he's always pushing the boundaries of their relationship, testing the limits, wanting to see where the hard lines are drawn. He talks back; he drops honorifics; he asks to kiss in front of the camera; calls themselves a couple with a smile on his face, claiming it a joke; and he's always thinking about when Seungwoo will snap. He wants to push more. He wants to see what will happen when the act drops and Seungwoo is unable to just see it as the youngest messing around, realizing that Subin really wants to be kissed stupid and put in his place.

But then Subin chickens out. He realizes he's _not_ that person—not the person Seungwoo sings Sacrifice to—and all he can do is hook his chin on Seungwoo's shoulder and force himself to be satisfied with this. Even though his fingers itch to be closer, to touch more, to feel more, he keeps them pressed to the floor and reminds himself that this is enough.

This is enough.

"Are these for our next album?"

Seungwoo laughs. "Subinnie, you're already thinking that far ahead? But no, I was just brainstorming."

Words pool on Subin's tongue. It may be the fact that he's still tired from their practice earlier, but he feels sluggish and listless, and so all those words remain unspoken as he does nothing but read over the lyrics. Seungwoo seems content with the silence; he rests his head on top of Subin's and starts going over what he wrote. He crosses out phrases and changes them, sometimes keeping the meaning or changing it entirely, turning love songs into breakup songs or melancholic pieces about lost youth into exciting anthems for the future. He also jots down vague ideas for how certain parts should be sung and even adds the member's names next to specific lines, having them in mind even though he's supposedly just brainstorming.

Subin's name also comes up a few times. He fixates on the lines that Seungwoo imagines him singing and even attempts muttering them under his breath, simply reading them out loud as if reciting poetry.

"What do you think?" Seungwoo asks after Subin's done reading an entire verse; this one in particular seems to belong to a love song.

"Hyung, these are beautiful."

Beautiful falls short. Seungwoo has a way with words that is almost magical; the care he puts into his craft is felt with every line. Seungwoo is a hardworking person who puts a lot of himself into the music that he makes and you can feel that both when he's performing on stage and when it's just you, a pair of headphones, and his album playing on your phone. But it's when reading his lyrics in particular that it becomes all the more obvious just the kind of musician he is.

A natural-born artist.

Someone who's meant to be on stage to receive the love of the people, and for anything less than that to happen should be considered outrageous.

It's at this moment that Subin realizes, with an almost violent nature, just how many sides there are to Seungwoo. It dawns on him all at once that Seungwoo is much more amazing than Subin originally thought. The idol that performs on stage, the songwriter that works even while at home, and the person that Subin's fallen in love with—they're all different sides of Seungwoo that exist all at the same time. Seungwoo isn't just cool when he's on stage; he is cool now as he shrugs off Subin's compliment. Similarly, he isn't just cute when he's playing games with the rest; even though he shrugs off the compliment, there's a faint blush that spreads over his cheeks, more obvious in his ears, and it's just adorable how he can't keep the smile off his face. There's no specific Seungwoo that Subin's fallen for; it's all of him and his every side, every smile, every song. All familiar and yet not enough that Subin finds himself content with what he's seen and what he knows. Maybe it's that obsession that only he knows exists what drives him, almost to the point that it feels like a physical craving, to want to know more about Seungwoo.

This is where his realization leads him to. Subin stills, feeling as if he's been knocked off his feet, as he realizes that there must be sides of Seungwoo that he still doesn't know. Sides that maybe he will never know. This, too, should be obvious, but something about it leaves a bad taste in Subin's mouth.

Can he be happy just thinking of Seungwoo as someone cool and cute and goofy when there's so much more beneath the surface?

Has Subin ever seen Seungwoo genuinely angry?

It's such an awful, heavy thought, that Subin finds himself wanting to shrug it off. Pretend that he's still unaware of Seungwoo keeping sides of himself unreachable even to him, someone who wants to know everything—every thought, every feeling, every shred of soul—that is Seungwoo. He finds himself wanting to listen to Seungwoo's laugh again in a desperate need of comfort, now having a reason to want to make his hyung laugh, even if it's a selfish one at heart.

So he says, tone bordering on joking, "Hyung, should I hire you to write for my solo? You know, like how we all wrote for Carry On... Your rate must be high, though, so I'm not sure how I'll be able to pay you."

"Hmm, my rate _is_ high..."

Pretending as if he's giving it some thought, Seungwoo's tone is as light as Subin's. He doesn't laugh; he's too busy looking up at the ceiling, humming softly, and his eyes crinkle when he cranes his neck just enough to be able to smile down at Subin. They end up close, _very_ close, enough that their noses could bump if Seungwoo were to lean even closer or if Subin were to lift his head just a tiny bit higher.

Pretending as if his breath didn't just catch at his throat, Subin waits for Seungwoo to say something else, but doesn't expect the kind of smile that firmly sets on Seungwoo's face: amused, playful, even cocky.

"Well, I'm sure we can work something out."

\-----

Subin has to pretend those words don't affect him.

But they do. Oh, they _do_ , and Subin is plagued by that cocky smile even in his sleep.

He blames it on his realization, the stupidly obvious one, and his newfound worry of what it would be like for him to live out the rest of his career without _truly_ getting to know Seungwoo. This includes not just the things that make up the Seungwoo that Subin sees, but also the Seungwoo that Subin will probably never get to see: a Seungwoo who is angry at a friend, or filled with despair when facing the true meaning of his existence, or overcome with lust at the sight of his ideal type come to life, and the like.

The Seungwoo who now lives rent free in Subin's dreams, tormenting him in his sleep, is this last one.

It's not like this is the first time he's had a wet dream involving one of his groupmates—they _are_ idols who capitalize off their sex appeal, and they've only leaned even more on it in recent years. While the most they would do in the past would be to do bedroom eyes at the camera, sometimes adding suggestive dance moves to their special stages, now they go as far as making entire comebacks revolve around the concept of being _sexy_. He's never admitted this—and he never will, not to anyone but himself—but since debut days Subin's had several dreams of this kind.

Thankfully, they all have been vague enough that he's been able to live relatively in peace, managing to continue with his life without stopping to think about his friends naked and doing things with their dicks too much. The only dream that has ever affected him to the point of coming to mind not just when he's alone at the dorm and with a hand down his pants, horny enough to be able to get off to the thought of his members with a guilt-free conscience, was one he had sometime after Howling promotions ended. In the dream he had a bright blue-haired Sejun on his knees, looking up at Subin with a kind of innocence that none of them—not even Subin—had shown in a long time, and he kept sticking his tongue out and begging for Subin to cum down his throat.

Subin still thinks about that dream even to this day.

But that's the only one that has really stuck with him. There's other stuff—just off the top off his head he can recall how him and Seungsik making out is a regular plot point in his more abstract dreams—but nothing has ever come close to blue-haired Sejun on his knees, begging for Subin's cum, and that's a thought that only visits him when he's so turned on you'd think he's in heat, which doesn't happen often.

He can't say the same about these new recurring dreams he's been having with Seungwoo.

They are _so much_.

Even just in his daily life he keeps getting reminded of them. When they're in the middle of practice and he catches sight of Seungwoo, white shirt soaked with sweat and sticking to his chest, Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he takes long gulps of ice-cold water, Subin suddenly finds himself with his mouth gone dry and the need to get on his knees and beg—for what, he doesn't know.

For some reason, it's especially worse when they're doing stage rehearsals and monitoring themselves and his eyes inevitably fall on Seungwoo performing like rent is due today. It doesn't help that lately their stylists have been putting Seungwoo in a lot less layers than usual, or the fact that Seungwoo's gotten into the habit of doing the most so that these few layers will shift and move to expose his shoulders, his collarbones, his abs— Subin's also put in loose-fitting shirts with jackets on top, and he's grown more comfortable with the idea of showing his stomach when his shirt lifts up due to the big movements of the choreo, but Seungwoo is simply on a whole other level. It drives Subin crazy.

It's truly driving him insane. He can't keep taking this many breaks just to force himself to get his head out the gutter and chill the fuck out, not when they're still promoting and with unrevealed content that they need to know by heart. To avoid becoming a nuisance, Subin has to put his everything into his work, but his focus is all over the place thanks to these thoughts—all thanks to Seungwoo, who hasn't done anything to cause any of this, really.

The worst times are when they're not doing anything that should be sexy by any means, like when they're doing a group V live and Seungwoo is just sitting there, sometimes talking, mainly just laughing when he finds something funny, and looking pretty. Subin can't get out during those times and so he has to sit there and pretend he's not thinking about Seungwoo's words, _I'm sure we can work something out_ , over and over again, enough to drive any man to actual insanity.

Shit. Those words.

It's as if Subin's brain's been rewired after hearing them.

There's this line that Dream Seungwoo often says. It's always vaguely in the context of Subin turning shy and slightly apprehensive when Seungwoo brings up sex as a way to pay him for writing the song. "Didn't you say you can't pay me? Here's something you can do." Sometimes he adds, "You can put that pretty little mouth of yours to good use." Dream Seungwoo is suddenly naked, holding his hard cock in hand, and Subin immediately gets on his knees, anxious—or maybe more like excited—to get it in his mouth. This scene in particular makes him feel like the blue-haired Sejun on his knees, which makes Subin want to do the same and beg for the same things Sejun's filthy mouth says in Subin's dreams.

No, actually, it makes Subin want to outdo Dream Sejun. To do more. It's like that wish to fulfill the role of Seungwoo's object of desire in Sacrifice. Subin is bolder and more shameless, but instead of acting cute he prefers to let his tongue loose and say every dirty, make-your-mom-clutch-her-pearls thought that he's ever had when looking at Seungwoo.

Subin often wakes up from those dreams dizzy, burning with shame, and with the most painful hard-on he's ever had.

Of all their nearly daily rituals, somehow it's eating pizza what reminds him of this scene in particular. Maybe because Subin thinks of these dreams as pretty much a porno scenario in which he orders takeout but then finds himself with no money to pay the delivery man. It's a little funny when you think of it in isolation, but he feels like dying when they order pizza and his mind goes to him choking on Seungwoo's dick, so he's also lost some of his appetite lately.

This all points to him being just an incredibly horny young man. Twenty-three is still fairly young, so you can even blame it on his hormones, puberty, all that. But Subin, surprisingly, manages to see how this all _really_ ties to Seungwoo's words that day:

In other words, Subin's tormented by the idea of Seungwoo really writing a song for him and what will come after that.

It gets to the point that Subin, unable to handle another morning shamefully getting off in the shower to the idea of Seungwoo's long, slender fingers grabbing him by the tongue, once again sneaks into Seungwoo's room to talk to his hyung and make sure that Seungwoo isn't _actually_ writing him a song. He tries telling himself that it'd be crazy—they were just joking around when that entire thing came up, so there's no way Seungwoo would take it seriously. Their promotions aren't over yet and they're busier than ever, so the possibility of Seungwoo doing it even as a surprise is a slim one.

Still, he wants to make sure anyway. For his peace of mind.

Subin opens the door slowly, taking a deep inhale to steel his nerves before slipping inside. His eyes easily land on Seungwoo, who isn't working by the foot of his bed like before, lying instead on the mattress with his shirt slightly rolled up. He seems to be trying to nap.

"Mm...? Subinnie, that you?"

Watching Seungwoo stir in his sleep and slowly open his eyes, watching him stifle a yawn behind his hand while the other one falls on his stomach and disappears under his shirt—Subin hears a ringing in his ears as his eyes follow every movement with such clarity that everything feels slowed down. Suddenly his heart is thumping against his ribcage, his hands grow sweaty, and he realizes all at once that he can't do this.

He can't do this.

Subin turns around and nearly slams the door behind him.

\-----

Is this what his life is now? A constant cycle of anxiety-induced nausea and wet dreams?

It's awful. Subin spends the remainder of promotions constantly feeling anxious and like he's about to throw up. He looks sickly without makeup and he attempts to fight off the nausea by eating less, and with such an active schedule it takes no time at all for it to become obvious that he's lost some weight. It's not enough to be alarming—at least he doesn't think so—but he does get more reminders than usual to take care of himself; all by the members, who also make sure to spoil him more, as if to make sure that he doesn't let himself neglect his health too much at such an important moment.

Seungwoo is among the worried members. Of course he is; he's that kind of caring person who makes it obvious when he's worried about one of his friends, not because he looks visibly concerned but because of how readily available he makes himself to be.

While no one really comes up to Subin and asks him, "Hey, what's wrong?" he still has a few of them making sure he knows that he can talk to them about anything—Seungwoo being the first one to do so. And he makes sure to _be there_. It might be completely unrelated to Subin, but it can't be a coincidence that Seungwoo no longer goes to his studio at ass o'clock just to get some work done when his entire daytime hours are taken up by Victon schedules, right? Not when Subin has complained a few times before—always with some alcohol in his bloodstream and encouraged by his friends, who would also air their grievances and agree with him—about how little time Seungwoo spends at the dorm, where he lives and should rest.

Even if it's not actually because of him that Seungwoo is doing this, Subin still appreciates it. But not really knowing how to explain what's going through his head at the moment, or how to even attempt to explain it without mentioning the sexual dreams surrounding Seungwoo, he never takes anyone up on their offer, _especially_ not Seungwoo.

Unfortunately, it doesn't do much to help him solve his problem on his own.

The one week of rest sounds heavenly after nearly an entire month of promotions. As always, most of them will be spending it at their homes, visiting family and truly resting. It'll just be Sejun and Subin at the dorms this time, their manager only dropping by at the start and at the end of the week, so they'll have five days entirely to themselves. Their plans are to sleep, play games, order takeout, and repeat. They even plan to hit the gym if they feel in the mood for it, although Subin has an inkling that Sejun will come up with some excuse not to go, if only so as to not overexert Subin's body.

He's burnt out.

That's what he tells his friends.

And they don't question it because, well, it makes sense. It aligns perfectly with the rest period, too, so Subin will be able to rest undisturbed for an entire week and they won't have to worry too much about him now that they know what's wrong. The worst-case scenario is that the week will end and he'll still be too tired, too exhausted, sick and nauseous, and then he'll have to rest more even after their schedules resume.

It's the worst-case scenario, and not as likely as it may seem, but Subin wants to avoid it at any cost. So he really tries hard to get over the Seungwoo problem on his own in less than a week.

It proves a little too confusing to manage.

Although the dreams get less intense the more he spends physically distanced from Seungwoo, his thoughts are still a mess, impossible to decipher in any way that makes sense. He starts off right, thinking about how everything started: his desire to see more sides of Seungwoo— _every_ side of Seungwoo—and how sad he felt when he realized that's something that might not happen. And Subin knows, almost instinctively, how he jumped from sadness to pure, unadulterated desire. There's no need to explain that, not to himself, but he tries to put it into words anyway to avoid losing the thread of his thoughts. So he does that. It proves easy enough at first, thinking about how his desire to know everything there is to Seungwoo would, of course, include what Seungwoo is like when he's in the bedroom and making love, or, less romantically—and truthfully more in line with the kind of thoughts Subin's been having lately—what Seungwoo is like when he's nothing but lust and the need to take, take, _take_ , and of course Subin puts himself in the place of the one giving; it just makes sense to him. But things get confusing from there, thinking about loneliness and obsession and Howling.

This is something that Subin hasn't noticed until now, but it strikes him as odd just how fixated he is on the song. He tries to follow this, too, but it makes him think of days filled with dread and despair and those are not welcome feelings, and so Subin ends up dropping this chain of thought, too.

After three days of a lot of sleeping, some gaming, and really not a lot of takeout, Subin nearly gives up.

But what does giving up signify here? What is he truly giving up? The one thing he wants is for things to go back to how they were, before the dreams and the song offer, but it feels like he's unwillingly gotten himself past a point of no-return. A single step, taken carelessly, and now things are different, unclear, unfamiliar—forever.

Maybe it'll get better with time, but Subin just can't see a way to come to terms with this new reality; that would mean that he either learns to live with the dreams and his new feelings—something that feels impossible right now—or he becomes desperate and starts avoiding Seungwoo to the best of his abilities to keep his feelings manageable—something that isn't viable considering their jobs, but, most importantly, it would make him feel really sad. The idea of getting over Seungwoo never once crosses his mind, but he is aware that, if things stay this way, then it might become his only option.

So Subin can't give up. He can't let it get to the point where the only thing that makes sense is to force himself to stop loving Seungwoo. But without knowing what else to do, he becomes desperate in a different way.

He ends up resorting to Sejun.

Not in the way that would seem the most reasonable. He doesn't go up to Sejun and genuinely ask for help, admitting that he's slowly spiraling out of control and soon he might not be able to be in the same room as Seungwoo. He would have to admit that, at his worst, he's thought of the possibility of this getting so out of hand that Subin would be forced to go on a hiatus, or maybe even leave the group. Just like in their song, Subin fears that if he were to speak a single word out loud, then maybe it'd become reality.

So he goes to Sejun in another way. A rather unorthodox way, but one that Subin hopes will help him.

It makes sense to him.

He brings it up in the most casual way he can manage, sitting on Sejun's bed at some odd hour of the day, at a time between meals when they're bored but too lazy to put their minds into doing anything more than laze around. Sejun sits next to him with his hoodie drawn up and his head lowered as he does something on his phone, expression not visible. That's why Subin feels confident when he swings his legs and says, "Hey, wanna make out?"

There's a choked up sound, and then Sejun turns his head to look at him, face beet red. "W-what? What'd you say?"

"Hyung, I'm bored. I want to do something. Let's make out."

He makes sure to enunciate each word carefully. Sejun looks so startled that he probably doesn't notice the deliberate use of each of these sentences. He also misses the way Subin keeps his body purposely relaxed, as if this is no big deal at all. You know, just something friends do when there's nothing better to do. All perfectly normal.

And Sejun falls for it.

The way he smiles with a mix of nervousness and giddiness, the blush that coats his cheeks as if the color was gently kissed there—it paints Sejun in a very innocent, youthful light. Somewhat reminiscent of Subin's dream, but lacking all the filth that came with it. Although, thinking of it now, Subin finds that he very much still wants to see Sejun on his knees. When Sejun says, "Y-yeah? You want to do that?" Subin just hums, keeping his eyes on Sejun, watching him fidget in place almost adorably, the entire time thinking about how pretty Sejun would look with bruised knees and tears running down his face.

Subin hums again, more purposeful this time, and nods to himself. "Yeah." He says, "I wanna kiss you, hyung."

As weird as it may be, even though he's the entire reason Subin is doing any of this, Seungwoo doesn't come to mind until Sejun is nearly straddling Subin's lap, sucking on his tongue.

\-----

Ignoring the fact that Subin and Sejun end up regularly making out when no one is around to see, the week-long break is pretty uneventful. For Subin, at least. The rest period—or maybe it's thanks to them fooling around for half of it—seems to have had a healing effect on Sejun, who now walks with a pep to his step and smiles even more than usual, and this is nice to see, but as for Subin, he finds himself standing in exactly the same place in life, almost as if the break didn't even happen. It feels pretty much like falling in bed at night, closing his eyes one second, and then opening them to his alarm ringing at some ungodly hour in the early morning.

Making no progress with the Seungwoo thing and not feeling particularly well-rested, the only thing one may call a success is the fact that Subin's managed to keep his weight rather than keep shedding kilos. The others also seem happy with this.

Subin tries to focus on the small successes—mainly his weight, since the others are putting more emphasis on that, but also the fact that he's having a lot of fun kissing Sejun—but with Seungwoo back in the dorm, seeing him after so long, getting reminded of just how good he looks and how kind he is and how his mere presence is enough to alter Subin's brain chemistry, the dreams only get worse.

Trying his damn hardest not to think about them, Subin always ends up failing when Sejun bites his tongue. Probably because Sejun now shows up in the dreams with Seungwoo, too.

So that completely backfired on him. Go figure.

But it's definitely easier to deal with Sejun than it is with Seungwoo. Not in the dreams—in them Subin now tends to find himself caught between the two, acting mean to Sejun and then crawling back to Seungwoo as if to repent, having to do to Seungwoo the exact same things Sejun does for him, and Subin does them gladly and unashamedly—but in his daily, everyday life. It's just so much simpler to deal with these thoughts when he can do something about them, even if it's just kissing Sejun and telling himself to be satisfied with just that. Much like his need to touch and hold onto Seungwoo with no intention of ever letting go, Subin makes do with simple skinship, and what he does with Sejun is really just a slight step above how he usually acts with the rest of the group. It's hard not to get greedy and want more, but Subin manages. 

He manages.

When Seungsik asks him if he's alright—he still looks a bit tired, it seems—Subin says that he's been having some bad dreams lately.

Seungsik treats him to a meal to talk about it.

It's not immediately obvious that's the reason they're going out, but Subin tends to be pretty sharp with these types of things.

The two of them get out of the dorm late at night and walk the streets in search of a restaurant that's still open. There's no particular reason for the late hour, but once they find a place that runs until the wee hours, they do enjoy how empty it looks. A nice hole-in-the-wall place where they can sit undisturbed for a bit. Once inside, they greet the owner and then settle at a booth in the back away from the windows, with a view to a small green patio where Subin can easily picture Seungwoo smoking.

He's only briefly distracted by this thought—it's been a long time since he's thought of Seungwoo smoking—before Seungsik is asking him what he wants to eat, insisting that it'll be hyung's treat.

"Eat a lot, Subin-ah," he says, and then says it again sometime later, after they get a generous amount of food on their table.

Taking pictures in between bites, talking with big smiles on their faces as they catch up on what they did during their break, Subin almost forgets the real reason they're meeting up tonight. But it is, of course, impossible to truly do something like that. Maybe it's because Seungsik is one of the oldests in the group and since the very beginning he's taken on a caregiving role, or maybe it's because he's the leader now and so his compassionate and responsible nature is more accentuated, but Seungsik is very obvious about his attempts at stirring the conversation someplace where he can outright ask Subin what's been going on with him lately. Usually a smooth talker, Seungsik tries his best to naturally segue into it, but it's just too obvious how hard he's trying—at least in Subin's eyes, he is.

It gets to the point that Subin, kind of tired of seeing his hyung struggle so much, throws him a bone.

"Yeah," he shrugs, done talking about something that is only vaguely related to anything, "I don't know, I've also been sleeping pretty badly these past few weeks."

"Oh? You mean because of your dreams?"

Subin will give this to Seungsik: he really is a good talker. More than that, his body language stays relaxed, picking at his food so as to not give Subin his full, undivided attention, yet making it clear that he's interested in what Subin's saying. It just feels like they've naturally arrived at this point in the conversation when, really, the two of them have been overthinking their every word up until this point.

It only now occurs to Subin that Seungsik might be just as sharp as him, if not more. Isn't that why they're here in the first place? Seungsik was the only one to continuously check on Subin even after everyone saw him improve in the course of a week and decided that Subin was well enough for them to continue focusing on their own affairs. Things are busy now that their schedules resumed; leaving Subin under the care of the leader would certainly put everyone's mind at ease. But the fact that Seungsik still checks up on him, is this due to his role as the leader, or is this concern born out of genuine worry for a friend? There's nothing that says it can't be both, but Subin still wonders. Maybe Seungsik is so sharp that he's noticed that Subin's bad dreams aren't just some occasional nightmare that will be gone in no time; maybe he knows, somehow, that Subin's dreams mean much more than that. And if that's the case, then what's stopping Seungsik from connecting the dots if Subin were to tell him even just one of those dreams?

Subin stuffs his mouth full with the biggest bite he's taken tonight, gaining a few more seconds to think.

Is there anything else to think about, though? He can't tell Seungsik about the dreams. He can't do that and risk Seungsik finding out about everything, as if telling him just one thing, even just some innocent thing like, _I've been having weird dreams about the members,_ would be like pulling at a loose thread of a sweater and unknowingly unraveling it in its entirety.

So Subin shrugs again. "Yeah, well, they're just dreams."

Even when he leaves it at that and then changes the subject, he can't help but feel like he still said too much.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this got... so out of hand haha and the chapter was gonna be even longer but [wheeze]} im not trying to die. with that being said!! reading everyones comments filled me with so much motivation so ig thats why this ended up being over 10k?? thank u all so much for the response on the first chapter, it made me so happy seeing that people enjoyed it ^^
> 
> have fun reading this one too! p.s. peep the tags ;)

Although with little to no evidence to support it, Subin starts stressing over the idea of Seungsik knowing exactly what's going on with him.

It's silly, he knows this, but it turns him a bit paranoid all the same.

Whenever he and Sejun sneak off to kiss the stress away after an individual schedule, Subin does the opposite and turns into an anxious mess instead. No matter how much he tries to just focus on Sejun—and there's _so_ much Sejun, so much for Subin to kiss and touch and feel, so much it can overwhelm him sometimes—there's a part of him that can't help but be entirely too alert, always wondering if maybe they're not being as sneaky as they think they are. The possibility that they're so careless, so sloppy at covering up their tracks, is a terrifying one, because Subin does _not_ want the other members to become aware of their little game.

Sejun agrees with him here; it's not just Subin who wants to keep it a fun little secret between the two of them. They talk about it and find that they wonder the same questions: what will happen if the others find out? What will they say?

Sejun likes to argue that maybe they won't say anything; maybe they'll just turn a blind eye and leave them to it. And, yeah, that's probably the best-case scenario, but for something like that to happen, it would mean that there's an implicit rule in the dorm to not bring attention to anything that would break normal dorm rules—and if that's the case, then what else has been going on between these walls that Subin's been oblivious to?

If there's someone who knows about it, it's Seungsik.

But here's a weird thing: somehow, the thought that Seungsik may know about Subin and Sejun is scarier than when Subin entertains the idea of Seungwoo knowing about it.

It actually comes as a surprise when Subin stops for a second to think about that. Is he not bothered by the possibility that Seungwoo, whom he loves with his entire heart, might know he's kissing some other guy?

Even if Subin stops himself right there and then and reminds himself that, no, Sejun isn't just some other guy—he's Sejun. Lim Sejun, who with his perfect smile and adorable laugh makes Subin's heart swell, too... Even if he does that, he still can't help but find it a bit odd. Isn't it normal for someone to feel anxious over their crush thinking they're unavailable? Or is Subin so used to forcing himself to be satisfied with the bare minimum, he no longer considers anything more happening as a possibility and thus has no real reason to concern himself with such worries? Although it's fun to think about it, at the end of the day, Subin's spent the last three years or so convincing himself that nothing will ever happen between him and Seungwoo, so maybe he's finally at a point where he can accept it in his mind—even if he still craves for more when they're together.

But he does wonder about it, sometimes thinking about Seungwoo's hypothetical reaction to learning the news. Would he be happy for them? Would he smile that dumb smile of his that barely lets you see some of his teeth, the one that makes him look adorable, and congratulate them? Or would he be secretly sad, maybe even upset that they're seemingly taken and now he has no chance with Subin—or with Sejun, maybe, who knows.

Or maybe he'd be turned on, thinking about the two of them in bed together, shirts off and skin on fire as they make out, all teeth and tongue and soft moans, putting on a show for—

No, wait, that's one of Subin's dreams.

Well, either way, Subin has no way of knowing with absolute certainty about any of this. So he forces himself to stop entertaining these scenarios.

It's easy to do that today, on a day where Sejun comes back to their home with makeup on his face and his hair perfectly styled after taking care of a drama-related thing. Subin, back from his own practice sessions, easily lets himself be swept off his feet and tossed around as Sejun tells him about his day while peppering him with soft kisses that turn hungry at some point. For once, Subin isn't as anxious about doing this in the middle of the dorm where anyone could see them, and so it's easy to let Sejun kiss him in between smiles and fun, ridiculous stories that Sejun keeps getting lost in, before he loses himself in Subin's mouth instead.

Even though the group is technically in a blank period, they're all so busy that it wouldn't seem that way, and so the dorm has turned into a place for eating and sleeping and nothing more. This isn't the case for Subin—he's considerably less busy than the others—but it is true today: no one is here, and Subin is fairly confident that it'll remain that way for a couple more hours at least.

Today it's just them and the wall behind Subin as Sejun pushes him against it, hands pressing against Subin's chest and quickly sliding down while Sejun licks a strip up Subin's neck.

Today it's just Subin and Sejun. No Seungwoo, no Seungsik—no one to worry about.

And boy, do they take advantage of it. They've been getting bolder as of late. More curious, Subin would say, slowly but surely exploring more of each other, enough that Sejun now knows that Subin likes when Sejun manhandles him a little.

"Hyung," Subin says, breathy, and then pushes Sejun away for just one second—just enough to be able to take a good look at Sejun, appreciating how good the simple makeup and the black turtleneck look on him. He's not entirely sure of what Sejun is shooting—he's been too wrapped up in the slow-but-surely composition of his solo to pay much mind to what everyone else is doing—but Sejun looks _fine_.

Sejun looks—

Subin loses that chain of thought, lost in Sejun, Sejun, _Sejun_.

This really is a good distraction, Subin's mind slowly emptying as he focuses on nothing but his roommate, but he quickly finds that he wants to do more than just kiss. He feels hot all over; he's panting hard after having Sejun kiss the air out of him. There's an obvious tent in his shorts that there's no way Sejun misses. It looks as if Sejun wants to do something about that, probably as needy and eager as Subin, and Subin—he wants to do something about _that_.

"Sejun-hyung—"

He grabs Sejun's hands and guides one of them to his thigh, wishing Sejun would grab it with force, leave bruises if he so desired, but still feeling content with how Sejun holds onto them—not too strongly, but clearly in a way that grounds him.

It's something that Subin hadn't expected when he initiated this thing, but he'd been pleasantly surprised by the way Sejun seems to just come undone when they're together. He first noticed this some weeks ago, on the last day of the break when they were trying to get the most out of it: how, under the blushes and the giddy smiles, Sejun turns into someone rather pliant. You wouldn't think so with the way he so eagerly cups Subin's bulge after Subin moves the other hand there, but if you look closely, you'll see it: the way he shakes ever so slightly; how he nervously licks his lips; the look in his eyes that lets Subin know that he's waiting for more instructions. The need to please, it engulfs Sejun in such a way that you can't help yourself, and before you know it, you're parting his lips with your fingers and telling him, "Good boy."

"Hyung, hand—"

Sejun steals a kiss as he lets Subin guide him. It takes only one firm squeeze to the hand on Subin's thigh for Sejun to grip it with as much force as Subin wants, and after Subin quickly settles the other one on his other thigh, it takes only one quick push upwards for Sejun to lift him as if he weights absolutely nothing.

Subin wraps his legs around Sejun's hips and gasps when his full back is pressed to the hallway wall, trapped between the hard surface and Sejun's chest flush against his. And Sejun responds well to the sounds Subin makes: he grins into the kiss and then sinks his teeth into Subin's lower lip, because just like how he knows that Subin likes to be treated a little roughly, he's also aware of how big of a fan of biting he is.

And what Sejun likes is, unsurprisingly—

"H-hyung, stop."

Sejun stills so perfectly that it feels as if he's been turned to stone. The only thing telling of him being an actual human being is his harsh breathing, but even that seems to stop with just one look from Subin.

"Good," Subin says, and then says it against Sejun's lips with a soft exhale. "Good, good. Bite my neck?"

Sejun huffs a laugh, probably finding it funny that Subin is so into biting, but he does as told without a second of delay. He kisses Subin's jaw and moves down until he's leaving a trail down the side of Subin's neck, gracing his teeth against the skin there with a teasing hint before biting down on an area closer to Subin's shoulder, but still right where Subin wants it. It feels good, and Sejun bites harder when Subin runs a hand through his hair, effectively messing up his carefully done haircut, and tells him all this—that he's doing good, doing exactly what Subin likes, making him feel _good_ , doing so well for him.

And Sejun moans at the praise, hiding his face on the crook of Subin's neck before vigorously going back to kissing it, making sure to keep nibbling on it, Subin's pleasure always at the forefront.

Eager to please.

Responds so well to compliments and rewards.

Sejun really is like a big, lovable dog, isn't he?

Subin exhales again, content, thinking about how it really was a good idea to start fooling around with Sejun. Maybe not when it comes to his dream problem—even though he tried to justify it, thinking that maybe he'd stop dreaming about Seungwoo and start dreaming with no one but Sejun, except it did _not_ end up that way and Subin is more fucked than he was before now that he's constantly dreaming with the two of them at the same fucking time—but their thing about blowing off steam, relaxing, kissing the stress away—it works remarkably well. With his condition good again and Sejun busy enough to justify how often they end up doing this, he hasn't had this much fun in a good while.

It's enough to let him forget about the bad stuff, and he likes that. He _needs_ that. But he's not at a point in which he goes chasing after Sejun when he wakes up feeling brain dead and tired to the bone, finding it exhausting enough just having to deal with the emotional toll the dreams have on him that he doesn't want to add the guilt he'd feel for messing with Sejun's feelings.

Except that isn't the case here—they're just two friends helping each other out.

Subin's keen on keeping it that way.

"I don't weigh anything, do I?"

Subin asks this with a laugh, but he bites his tongue when he turns his head and looks down at Sejun's arms, noticing the bulging veins right as Sejun shifts his hold so that he can grab him by the ass. Subin yelps at the movement, and then whines when he's pushed even harder against the wall, Sejun's clothed dick easily gracing his groin like this.

This is the furthest they've ever gone and they're doing it in the middle of the fucking hallway where anyone could see them, but it's so, _so_ fucking hot when Sejun chuckles lowly and says, "You like how strong I am?" and Subin's mind finally empties. Sejun's done it. Subin is thinking about nothing, _nothing_ , not even the fact that their manager could happen to drop by today and find them like this, or that another member could come home early and catch them in the act, or that there might be another reason why Subin seems to be into muscly guys.

For the first time in over two months, Subin's mind is fucking _empty_ , and the feeling is downright exhilarating. The need to fill all that empty space with Sejun is so strong that Subin nearly forgets how to breathe as he hurries to say, "Yes, fuck, _yes_ I do."

"Yeah? You like it?"

Sejun's smiling, and it's sharp and laced with something dark in Subin's mind, but he knows that, really, Sejun's just happy to be told that Subin likes how strong he is. Subin _knows_ this. He's perfectly aware of what's really happening here, but he doesn't _want_ it to be that way. He wants to be numb to everything and pretend, even for just one second, that he's dreaming. That this is Dream Sejun, and he talks dirty, and Subin does the same, and then he's fucked against the wall until he doesn't feel pain anymore and all he is, all that Subin is, is _dumb_.

So he runs his mouth and says, "I love it, hyung." He meowls, "I want you to fuck me raw," and when Sejun stammers at how crude his words are compared to Subin's sweet tone, he continues, "I want you hold me with your big, strong arms and rail me against the wall. Fucking— Use me. _Break me_ , hyung. Pound me like I'm a toy and leave me unable to go to practice tomorrow. Make me _cry_. I want you to—"

There's the slam of a door.

The sound is loud, clearly from inside the home, and it startles them so bad that Subin bites his tongue before he can finish spitting the next filthy thought that ran through his mind. He's still feeling the slam through the vibrations on the wall—did that came from the _same fucking hallway?_ —when Sejun quickly slides him off it, dropping him to the floor yet staying close as he quickly scans the hallway, looking out for anyone who might be there.

And Subin would do the same. He _should_ do the same, but he's too shocked by what just happened to properly register that there's someone else in the house with them.

What he just did, that was... That was a lot.

Feeling light-headed and not knowing where to focus on, his mind suddenly flooded with thoughts, Subin holds onto Sejun like a lifeline and tries to catch his breath. He's still half-hard and a part of him wants to finish what they started, but another part—this one much bigger and louder—is scared of just how much of himself he was willing to give away just now. He hasn't done _that_ yet and he just talked as if he was a slut from a porno, so what does Sejun think of him? More importantly, whoever ran into them, what do _they_ think? What is Subin supposed to do now?

What if it was Seungsik?

What if _Seungwoo_ saw him like that?

It shouldn't matter—what he does with Sejun is no one's business but their own—but the feeling that settles on Subin's stomach is a heavy, corroding one. It eats him up from the inside and not even Sejun's touch can distract him from it. No, this is too much. This is bad. Subin is—

He's not okay.

"Hyung."

Subin's fingers tighten where he's grabbing Sejun by the sleeves of his shirt. His eyes stay low, too scared to look his friend in the eye when Sejun sighs loudly, muttering something about how close that was, and then turns to Subin and places both of his hands on Subin's hips, gently rubbing circles there in an almost absentminded manner. Sejun asks him what's wrong.

And Subin lets out a short, sarcastic laugh. It sounds pained even to him.

What's wrong? What's _not_ wrong?

\-----

So someone saw them.

No matter how hard Subin tries, he can't tell which of his friends did.

At the very least, he's sure it wasn't any of their managers—the two of them would've already gotten a scolding if someone from the company had seen them. Plus, if a manager had dropped by, they would've seen God-do or someone else after a while, but the place stayed silent and empty after they went to their room to hide, coming out only when Hanse arrived home with Byungchan trailing closely behind him.

It's easy enough at first, trying to figure out who was the poor bastard who saw them, crossing out the 97z from the list and leaving only Seungwoo, Seungsik, and Chan. But things get harder after Subin leaves to shower (he means to do it quickly, but gets distracted for an embarrassingly long amount of time when he notices faint finger-shaped bruises on his thighs) and comes back to a dorm bursting with energy as everyone happens to be home at the same time. He can't figure out who came through the front door and who slipped from one of the rooms and simply blended in, and with Sejun also being distracted by something Hanse needed him for, neither of them has a clue as to who the impostor is here.

Subin does okay, though—acting as if he and Sejun weren't just making out in the hallway that leads to the shared rooms, that is. It's a lot harder to do than you'd imagine, but he manages.

Subin always manages.

And he does it by trying to keep a bit of distance from Sejun, which works alright. It doesn't seem as if anyone is particularly conscious of either of them. The group quickly settles into their usual dynamic and have fun as they play together while someone orders food and someone else calls the manager to check their schedule tomorrow, and at no point does Subin feel a single pair of eyes on his person. No one ever stares a bit too long, or blushes and looks away when Subin meets their gaze, or anything of the sort.

Sejun, on the other hand, seems to be taking a different approach than Subin here. His eyes aren't overly critical; his muscles aren't tense and he's not keeping a constant eye on the members. Instead, he's acting like always, maybe even being a bit louder than usual. He also quickly finds an excuse to leave the rest, convincing Seungsik to play games with him while they wait for the food, and the two of them move to their room in what's the beginning of a race to see who can get away from the task of getting the food once it's delivered. One by one, everyone suddenly remembers something they had to do and disappears somewhere far away from the living room. Seungwoo even claims that he has to go back to his studio and that he'll eat whatever they leave him (which earns bad reactions from the rest, but they can't do much about it).

Soon, the only person left is Subin, who only realizes what's happening by the time everyone else is gone. But he's surprised when Chan comes back from the bathroom, saying that he'll shower later, actually.

Subin scrunches up his nose at that. "That's so gross, hyung."

But Chan just grins at him, as if he knows something Subin doesn't, and then flops down on the couch with the decisiveness of a dad about to crack open a cold one as he watches the game. But before grabbing the remote or going for his phone, Chan spreads his legs and pats one of his thighs, still grinning at Subin that way as he waits for Subin to... sit on his lap?

"Hyung?"

Subin blinks.

"No."

"Ah, Subinnie, we used to do this all the time! Do you not love me anymore?"

His answer comes instantly: "No." But before Chan can have the chance to start complaining, turning insufferable for however long it takes the delivery to get to the dorm, Subin sighs and drags his body to the couch. "Move," he orders, rolling his eyes when Chan's expression instantly changes from the beginning of a pout to a self-satisfied grin.

The couch isn't that big, closer to a loveseat than a proper sofa, and so Subin's legs end up dangling off the edge as he lies down on it, using Chan's thigh as a makeshift pillow to cushion his head.

"Only until the food gets here," he warns.

Chan looks so happy that he probably doesn't care if it lasts just one minute.

And Subin doesn't mind much, not really. While not as clingy as other members, he's on the same boat in that he likes being close to people. Physical touch is something that he values greatly; it relaxes him, mainly. Although he doesn't mean to stay like this for long, not wanting to indulge Chan that way, he can't help it when his body grows lax against his will. It takes no time for him to start breathing more easily, the tension from getting caught leaving his body. He sighs and closes his eyes, hands simply resting on his stomach before Chan grabs ahold of one and starts playing with it in a rather absentminded manner. 

Subin tries to make the most out of this rare moment of undisturbed rest, fingers locked with Chan's and trying to focus on just that: on the way he plays idly with Chan's hand; how they compare palm sizes and interlock their fingers only to shake it off and then do it again; or how sometimes Chan will suddenly grab him by the wrist, index and middle finger gently resting over Subin's pulse point for a beat or two, before giving it a slight squeeze.

He really, really tries to empty his mind and focus on just this. Focus just on Chan.

It's no use, though; no matter how hard he tries, all his thoughts inevitably make it back to what happened earlier, him and Sejun making out and someone seeing them. But who? Who was it? And why haven't they said anything yet?

Subin completely gives up on the idea of resting, hand falling limp as he racks his brain trying to recall how everyone acted when together in this very same room less than an hour ago: their body language, choice of words, and whatever else he can think of. He tries to Sherlock this shit. He's looking for anything out of the ordinary: any small, almost imperceptible giveaway that would uncover the identity of the impostor.

But nothing, absolutely _nothing_ sticks out to him.

"Hey, Subinnie."

Taken out of his thoughts, Subin groans out of frustration when Chan enthusiastically shakes their hands, trying to get his attention. "What is it, hyung?"

"How're you doing? Feeling fine?"

"Yeah...? Like always."

He frowns at the sudden question, about to ask why Chan's asking, but he clicks his mouth shut when he feels a pressure on his head. Chan, using the hand that isn't currently holding onto Subin's wrist, starts patting his head rather roughly, much like how you'd pet a dog. And it's weird; Chan's touch comes out of nowhere, a bit too rough, not relaxing at all. Subin almost pulls away from it, but something stops him from doing it. Something—something about the gesture is—

It's probably meant to be comforting.

Huh.

So Chan is checking up on him.

That's... odd, but Subin blames it on his slump during What I Said promotions and how he had to deal with it mostly on his own, not because his hyungs didn't try to help but, well, they also didn't do the most. And Chan's usually someone who does that—the most, that is. He's incredibly considerate of others, always mindful of everyone's conditions, constantly making sure everyone is taking care of themselves and sticking to their side if they fall sick, only stopping once they've been nursed back to health. That's how Chan usually is, but with the packed schedule from their latest comeback, the stress from working on his solo song while taking acting classes and negotiating modeling gigs with the company and, god, who knows how many other various projects he has on the side—maybe he feels bad for not having done that for Subin this time around.

At least that's what it would seem like. Chan is too awkward right now, body tense as he pats Subin's head this way, but Subin lets him do it all the same. Not like he minds much; it's nice to be able to just close his eyes and have someone pamper him like this, even if he usually avoids giving Chan the pleasure of doing it simply because it's funny to do so.

Plus, if it helps Chan feel better, then Subin's happy to be treated like a laptop for a bit.

It is a bit funny, though—just a few hours ago he was thinking of how much of a puppy Sejun is, and now look at him.

"That's good," Chan nods. "It's good that you're good."

"...It is?"

He replies instantly, "Of course! Subinnie, you know you're our dearest youngest, right? You're a very important friend to us. We'll always be here for you, through thick and thin, no matter what happens. And I mean everyone in Victon, not just me—we'll all take care of you. We have some really strong dudes in our group, too, so we can even beat people up for you; you just need to say the word."

Subin snorts. "Who would you even beat up?"

"Anyone who hurts you."

Chan sounds so ridiculously serious as he says it—it makes Subin want to make fun of him, the way they always make fun of Chan, if only to react in some way. But he can't laugh. He can't say anything witty in reply. He's been blindsided by Chan's sincerity; by Chan, whose words are terribly genuine, hitting Subin right where it hurts the most because they make him realize just how _lonely_ he's been feeling lately. Anytime he's not with Sejun, Subin feels incredibly distanced from the rest in a way that he doesn't know how to bridge. Not being able to talk about the dreams, to explain what's going on with him and why he's not his usual self, is turning him miserable. And it hurts. He hates it. Chan's words get to him, comfort him, reassure him that they'll always have his back no matter what—they do it as roughly as Chan's touch, but just as lovingly, and Subin's chest feels pained because he needed it so bad.

He needed this so bad, and the fact that it's coming from Chan of all people— 

Chan, who always notices when a member is not doing that great but can be oblivious to emotional distress, comes to Subin now. Not weeks ago when he was barely eating, but now.

Subin doesn't know why he says it. He's stunned by Chan's words, caught off-guard, and his usual filter is nowhere to be seen as he blurts out, "Even a member?" And he immediately regrets it, flinching when Chan's hand stops playing with his hair, his hyung frowning down at him.

"Did a member do something to you?"

"I mean me."

Chan's still frowning, and Subin feels incredibly vulnerable as he continues talking, not knowing why he's telling Chan anything when he couldn't even talk to Seungsik that day at the restaurant.

"I haven't... I've been having some bad dreams, hyung."

"What kind of dreams?"

He exhales, harsh, and closes his eyes after Chan cups his cheek with one hand.

What kind of dreams has he been having lately? Besides the ones with Seungwoo and Sejun and another one that he doesn't want to think about, Subin can't remember having a single normal dream in so long. Actually, he can't remember dreaming at all. He hasn't even had those weird, abstract dreams he used to have once in a while, where all he'd do is make out with Seungsik and sometimes save the world or something along those lines. And he's heard from the other members that it's not uncommon for that to happen, that they often completely pass out when they're exhausted, but Subin's been this way for what will be three months in a few weeks; he hasn't rested properly in even longer.

"I'm not... dreaming much, to be honest. But when I do it's usually with the members, and hyung, I'm so _tired_. I just want to rest and have a silly dream where I'm a superhero saving the world with you and Sejun, or, I don't know, back home with Mimi and Toto, not—"

He sucks in a sharp breath, feeling like he might cry if he continues talking at all.

Chan stays silent for a second, simply running a comforting hand through Subin's hair, much gentler now, at times switching to softly caress Subin's cheek. His other hand stays firmly wrapped around Subin's wrist. And it's grounding; Subin appreciates it. He's glad that he can finally tell someone about the dreams, and he's glad that it's Chan.

"These dreams," Chan starts, "are they nightmares?"

Subin snorts.

"No," he says, clearing his throat when his voice comes out sounding a bit rough. "They're... a different type of dream. Still bad but, not nightmares, no."

And they're not even that bad, not if they were single, isolated cases, but Subin's grown so tired of them by now.

He's so tired.

Feeling like Chan might ask him to elaborate on what type of dreams they are, Subin decides to change the subject. This is enough for now, he figures; he's already said a lot more than he's done this year. Just this is enough to make him feel better about being plagued by wet dreams while also harboring a one-sided crush on a fellow groupmate _and_ keeping a secret friends with benefits relationship with another one. He still has to pretend like he and Sejun haven't been found and that he's not freaking out about it, but he can't talk about that. Plus, the conversation is already a bit too serious—the two of them really should be paying more attention to the food delivery so they don't miss it.

He hums, willing his voice to come out properly this time, and says, "I'm starving." And because he knows he can get away with anything just by acting cute, he follows that up with a bit of an exaggerated whine. "When's the food getting here?"

And Chan, even though he definitely can tell what Subin's doing, thankfully lets him get away with it.

"They didn't deliver to this area so I had to order from another place. It'll take a bit."

"Ah, hyung..."

"Stop whining," Chan says, reproaching, but with a hint of laughter in his voice. He's looking down at Subin with a really soft gaze, lips pulled back into a small smile that quickly spreads to Subin. The two of them end up lazily smiling at each other like that, and it's nice; it's easy. Chan's using one of his hands to clumsily brush Subin's bangs out of the way when he continues, "You won't die just from waiting another hour... but if you're really that hungry, then I can fix you something to snack on. What do you think?"

"Really? But, hyung, do we even have something to eat here? We always order takeout for a reason."

Chan scoffs, "I'm sure we have _something_." But the two of them know they don't, and so they laugh, easy and breathy, lifting some of the weight that's been constantly pressing down on Subin's chest for the past few weeks. "Is there anything in particular you want to eat?"

The question reminds him of Sejun.

He recalls this thing Sejun once said during a V live.

So he hums, moving one of his hands to gently touch Chan's cheek, and the two of them are close—not _that_ close, not like how he and Seungwoo were that day—and why is he thinking about Seungwoo now?—just close enough that Subin can have fun with it. He smirks, but then wipes it off his face to replace it with a pout, thinking that a pout will do better, and then hums again, as if he's thinking about Chan's question.

"Something I want to eat..."

It's a joke.

"Maybe—hyung's lips?"

He's joking around.

But Chan doesn't react like Subin would've expected—he doesn't scoff and turn his face away, doesn't bite his tongue as he hurries to question where the hell did Subin get that from, doesn't tell him to save it for their fancalls, promise he'll make fans go crazy with it. Subin can't laugh it off. Chan's reaction is so unexpected that it leaves him dumbfounded, because Chan looks... he looks _flustered_. His eyes widen, his lips part in surprise, and Subin can feel under his hand how _hot_ Chan's skin gets—he's blushing madly. And it's not like those times where Chan is so giddy that his cheeks turn red and he won't stop giggling; he doesn't go that way, cooing at Subin about how cute he is when he's trying to flirt.

Chan looks as if his brain is frying, but when he does move—when he does do something that isn't just staring blankly at Subin—the first thing he does is shift his eyes.

He stares at Subin's lips for just one second before looking away.

"I-I'll go see what's in the fridge," Chan stammers, expression funny as he tries his best to look down at Subin, failing to maintain eye contact. "If we're lucky then Seungsik might have bought something that we can steal for ourselves— Um, lift your head?"

Subin does, frowning at the way Chan immediately slips away, leaving the couch and making a beeline towards the kitchen, leaving him alone.

\-----

What?

What was that?

He's left wondering this for a ridiculous amount of time, managing to forget everything for a second—from his unrequited love for Seungwoo to his hookups with Sejun, Seungsik's sharp eyes, the dreams, _everything_. He forgets it all, spending the hours wondering what got Chan into such a state, because it wasn't just his flustered look at Subin's joke; it was everything that came afterwards, how Chan came back empty handed from the kitchen, talking about how Seungsik must've eaten his snacks already, and then fell silent as he sat awkwardly at the other end of the couch, putting as much distance as possible between the two of them. And it continued to be that way even after the food arrived and the rest joined them and they all ate together, cracking jokes and sharing stories and having a good time if you ignored Chan's nervous laughter and Subin's eyes on him the entire time.

Then Chan got up abruptly, grabbing a few containers with food and claiming that he'd be dropping by the company building to do something, making it seem vaguely work-related. That he'd bring food to Seungwoo while he was at it.

Then he left.

And Subin could do nothing but stuff his face with food and wonder what the hell got into Chan.

He's been thinking about it ever since, and the only explanation that makes sense to him is that Chan didn't think Subin's joke was, well, a _joke_. Maybe he thought Subin was serious and he got flustered at the idea of the two of them kissing. It'd make sense if he was the one to see Subin and Sejun making out; he'd be under the impression that Subin really does go around kissing the other members—even if this thought leaves a bad taste in his mouth as he considers it, because wouldn't that basically make him a... whore... in Chan's eyes?—and so the possibility of Subin kissing him turns into a very real one. It stops being a joke and turns into a sneaky offer, one that Chan could brush off with a laugh or take him up on it.

Except Chan did neither, and Subin thinks about that, too. 

Chan didn't say yes, but neither did he say _no_ —he ran away. He gave no answer.

It doesn't leave his mind.

He even dreams about it.

It's the first dream in months that he has where Seungwoo is nowhere to be seen. It's him and Sejun back at the hallway, Dream Sejun doing exactly what Subin wanted, kissing and biting his neck and collarbones, arms holding him up by the thighs where beautiful bruises blossom under his fingertips, cock an angry red as he fucks Subin mercilessly at an unforgiving pace, quick and hard and almost painful, and to anyone who saw them it would look like Sejun is merely using Subin to get off, not caring at all about Subin's own pleasure—but that's wrong. Oh, it's _so_ wrong. This is exactly what Subin wants. He feels stupid, fucked out of his mind, only able to hold onto Sejun's shoulders and drool, too dumb to even think of wrapping a hand around his own dick in a puny attempt to get off from something other than Sejun's cock ramming him into the wall. 

After a particularly hard thrust that has Subin hitting his head on the wall, he's attempting to tell Sejun to slow damn a little when something catches his eye. At the end of the hallway, by Seungwoo's room, stands Chan—he looks startled when Subin meets his eyes, shocked that he's been caught even though he's not even trying to hide, but he doesn't run away. He just stands there, feet rooted in place as he watches them, and Subin moans loudly while holding Chan's gaze—no, he does it _because_ he's holding Chan's gaze while he's getting fucked by an oblivious Sejun.

He doesn't care about the pain anymore—doesn't care that Sejun uses so much force, Subin can feel his back getting bruises from being slammed against the wall amidst the messy hammering going on. His mind is filled with nothing but static, only caring about Sejun's strength, Chan's gaze, and how fucking _good_ everything feels.

All he does is moan and cry about how good Sejun's cock feels, how it fills him up so well, how good his pup is for him—and he speaks directly at Chan, wants him to know—

"So good," he meowls. "Ch— _Ah_ , Channie-hyung, wanna join?"

His nails leave faint scratch marks as he runs them over Sejun's shoulder before beckoning Chan closer. His hyung looks like a deer caught in headlights, not moving for what feels like forever, but it's not long before he's moving his legs and falling into place right next to Sejun. Subin sighs softly at this, immediately cupping Chan's cheek with his hand, pleased with the way Chan leans into the touch with parted lips, breathing a bit harshly.

It makes him smile; makes him slide his hand until he can press a thumb to Chan's bottom lip, even more pleased when Chan's tongue darts out as if ready to take it in his mouth. But Subin just keeps it there, pressing down on Chan's lip as he says, "Will you be good for me, too?"

And Chan nods instantly, so, _so_ eager, a bit of drool pooling at his lip before running down Subin's thumb. So Subin finally lets him take it into his mouth, moaning at the obscene way Chan's lips wrap around it, his tongue immediately coming to curl around it—at the same time that Chan's hand sneaks its way between Subin and Sejun, wrapping so tightly around Subin's dick, getting a cry out of him when it starts pumping him with that same restless pace Sejun's been keeping—and it's a lot—it's too much—his pups are too much—

And then he wakes up.

He's startled awake suddenly and for no real reason. Subin has to take a long moment just to catch his breath, realizing he's in his bed, it's still the middle of the night, and he's so hard it's fucking painful, and only once he's taken in these three things does he allow his mind to think about _why_ he's so hard it's painful.

The images from his dream assault him so violently that he nearly whimpers at the memory of having the two of them, his two _puppies_ , treating him so well.

What the fuck. What the fuck, that was so _hot_ — Chan sucking on his finger and Sejun, _Sejun_ —

He turns his head so fast that he even hears a cracking sound, eyes darting over Sejun's bed, finding him sound asleep. Seungsik, too, is snoring loudly, and Subin breathes a little easier as he tiptoes to the door, slipping into the hallway and making his way to the bathroom.

The tiles feel cold when Subin leans against them, closing the door with one hand while pulling down his shorts with the other. He's so stupidly turned on that he locks the door out of pure muscle memory, feeling dizzy as he makes quick work of his erection, chasing his orgasm with barely a thought about making it feel pleasurable—it almost feels like a chore, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible, recalling memories of Chan jerking him off and Sejun fucking his ass in an attempt to hurry it up. And it's _so_ not sexy, not like this, not while still groggy and mildly annoyed from having had another wet dream and waking up at ass o'clock, cutting his already short sleep hours even shorter because he's sure he won't be able to go back to sleep after this. He only bothers with it because it's easier and faster than taking a cold shower or waiting it out.

When his orgasm hits, it's short and unsatisfying. He comes all over his hand and he immediately feels disgusted, walking to the sink to get rid of it as soon as possible. He cleans himself up in the same manner, quickly and with a faint feeling of disgust, and then gets whatever got on the floor. This is possibly the worst he's ever felt while taking care of the aftermath of the dreams. What, is it because he didn't dream with Seungwoo? Because he dreamed with Chan instead?

Why did he dream with Chan?

"Something—" Subin sighs, staring at his reflection on the mirror. He looks like shit. "Something is definitely wrong with me."

Just what is he doing? In love with Seungwoo but hooking up with Sejun—whom he also kinda likes—and now dreaming with Chan, and—what, do the making out scenes in his dreams, the ones with Seungsik that he's been having since forever ago, mean something, too?

That _other_ dream with Seungsik, does it mean—

No, no way. He's just a horny ass and once he goes all the way with Sejun then this—this will stop.

Yeah. That's it.

He's just sexually frustrated, the result of years barely getting any action in between training and debuting and having comebacks and then not having them and everything else. His crush on Seungwoo simply worked as a catalyst; it started the dreams which are—uh—fuck if he knows—a way for... his subconscious... to speak to him. Yeah, that sounds like it makes sense. So this is just his brain's way to tell him to get laid. And he's with Sejun now; they'll do it eventually. Once that happens, Subin will be free of the dreams and, who knows, maybe he'll even be able to move on from Seungwoo once and for all.

"Yeah."

He nods at his reflection, ignoring the heavy eyebags that he'll have to cover up with makeup in the morning.

"This is only temporary. One day—"

One day it'll be over.

\-----

One day it'll be over for sure.

This is the thought that gets Subin through the night. The one thing in his mind as he leaves the bathroom, shamefully making his way back to his room, sneaking back in and covering himself with a blanket, knowing he won't be able to sleep anymore. But with some hours to kill, Subin spends the time playing games with his phone on silent mode, eyes stinging from the strain— _not_ because he wants to cry—until the sun finally rises and both Seungsik and Sejun are getting up.

It kind of feels like a slap to the face when the first thing Seungsik does when Subin gets up is ask him if he slept alright.

But Subin is nothing if not a professional.

He can't be like how he was during the comeback. He can't fall back into a slump. More importantly, even if he _does_ , it has to be in such a way that his hyungs won't notice this time; he can't burden them like that again.

And it's hard at first, but after forcing himself to put on a smile and nod, "Yeah, had a good dream last night," and seeing in Seungsik's eyes that Seungsik— _Seungsik_ , whose sharp eyes have caused Subin so much anxiety as of late—believes him, he thinks that he manages just fine. And, really, isn't this what he always does? He's said it before: he's a persevering guy. The group would be in disarray if they didn't count with their trusty oldest member and their leader, but the youngest, too, is important in the dynamic.

Yeah, Subin can't allow himself to drag the group behind. So he comes to a hasty decision to make sure something like that doesn't happen—again.

It's a sensible decision.

He's already sure that this—the dreams; the depression; the unwelcome feelings towards his groupmates—will pass, that one day he'll go to sleep and wake up well rested and without bags under his eyes, but why not speed it up a little? He can't do much about the dreams themselves, but how he acts with his friends, how he acts in general—those are things that he _can_ control. Maybe changing his mindset will help things turn back to normal, he reasons. Sort of treating the symptoms since he can't address the source of his predicament. This is nothing but a bandaid to hide the wound until it heals, but, _really_ , isn't that enough? And even if it isn't, Subin finds that he is desperate enough to try anyway. To act like everything's fine. To live with the dreams—just for now, it won't be forever, this'll be over one day, it _will_ —in an attempt to avoid ruining the group's mood, avoid distracting everyone when they have important things to do on their own; as well as his own selfish desire to be back in Seungwoo's room, lying his head on Seungwoo's shoulder, laughing and crying and talking like usual.

It all comes back to Seungwoo at the end of the day.

Subin misses him.

And it's a struggle. Smiling at Seungsik this way, lying through his teeth that he doesn't have bad dreams anymore—it's a fucking struggle. But he does it. Fuck, Subin does it, and he wants to believe that it works.

The person he's the most conscious of is Seungsik, of course, but somehow, after a little over a week with this new mindset, it seems like Seungsik's eyes aren't as sharp anymore. This could very well just be a change in Subin's perception, but going with what he thinks will do him the best in the short run, Subin chooses to believe that it's because he's doing a great job acting normal again.

And what does acting normal entail? The normal in the dorms is a bit of an odd one. For one, Subin is _loud_ in the dorms. He's loud and moody and acts up a lot more than he does when he's on camera, but that's how he plays best with his hyungs. It may be because he grew up spoiled by them, but there's a lot that he can do and get away with before they stop looking at him with endearment and turn careful, voice apprehensive, a warning in their tone before they scold him instead. Although for such a thing to happen is pretty rare nowadays.

In fact, with him once again acting like he did before January, they welcome his bratty attitude with open arms.

Even Chan, who makes sure to keep his distance from Subin, can't help but play along.

It is, genuinely, the most fun Subin's had in such a long time. His hard work pays off; his fake-it-till-you-make-it attitude takes him far. Spending his days playing with the rest, bothering the oldest members while he snickers with the rest of maknae line, studying with Sejun and then going out for meals with Byungchan and hitting the gym with Seungsik and lazing around the dorm with Chan and Hanse—Subin makes sure that he's always in the same room with at least one other member, just to make sure he's distracted and his thoughts won't start to wander off into dangerous territory.

This includes Seungwoo. It is surprisingly easy to be with him when there's at least one or two other members with them; Subin figures this out a week after putting this scheme in the works, and then feels a bit silly for not figuring it out earlier.

In fact, he's with Seungwoo right now.

And with Sejun. And Seungsik. It's reminiscent of an old V live of theirs for the three of them to be taking over Seungwoo's studio, but this time the cameras are turned off and there's no food on the table to justify them being there. It just so happened to end up this way. Subin isn't really sure, as he arrived last, but it seems like they all had the same idea of bothering Seungwoo as a way to kill time before having to go back to work.

Subin has a lesson later today and so he's being mindful of his voice, as is Seungsik, but Sejun is loud as he prompts Seungwoo to show them all the stuff that he's currently working on—a not-so-sneaky way to try to listen to Seungwoo's second mini album before it's been mixed and mastered. He's so excited that his energy manages to fluster Seungwoo, but it's pretty hard to say no to Sejun, and so Seungwoo gives in to the whines and ends up playing some of his new songs to them. From here, it's easy to get Seungwoo talking, and he gladly explains a bit of the process behind some tracks; what went through his mind when writing some lyrics or coming up with a melody; answers questions when they have them; and, most importantly, smiles proudly when they tell him in earnest that it's all really good.

Sejun goes a step further, enthusiastically praising Seungwoo's _everything_ , turning a bit corny when he won't stop talking about how good a composer and producer Seungwoo is, how he's the best singer and songwriter in the entire company—no, in the _industry_ , Sejun says. And he just goes on and on, mentioning every other word in Seungwoo's resume, talking about how good a rapper, how good a dancer, even how good an _actor_ he is, which gets a surprised, boisterous laugh from Seungwoo, as well as a few snickers from Seungsik and Subin, who are watching it all as they cuddle on the couch. Subin even tells him, "How do you know that when hyung's drama hasn't been broadcast yet?" But Sejun gives a ridiculous answer, something about how talent recognizes talent, which has Seungwoo laughing again. And the mood is so good; it's so easy to dunk on Sejun and crack jokes and make Seungwoo laugh _more_ —

This is how they spend their free time as a family.

It's fun. It's easy. It's _healing_. Subin truly hasn't felt this great in a long time.

And then Seungsik pats his head twice, leaning close to whisper in his ear, "I'll get going, then. Play nice with them, alright?"

Subin tenses up immediately, but he plays it off fantastically. He whines loudly, a cute pout on his lips as he says, "Hyung, do you really have to go?" which catches the other two's attention. Soon Seungsik is being held back by them. Subin doesn't have to do it himself, which means he can hang back and think about why, why, _why_ the fuck did Seungsik's words go straight to his dick.

The same words that Seungsik says in _that_ dream—the dream that Subin's been trying _so fucking hard_ to forget—where he sits next to Seungwoo, both with darkened eyes as they watch Sejun and Subin play with each other for them, but only Seungwoo ever stays long enough to join the show.

Why. Why. Why the _fuck_ did Seungsik have to say them?

Subin lets out a long exhale when Seungsik finally leaves the studio, the door clicking shut behind him and leaving the three of them alone in the room. Sejun quickly goes back to stand behind Seungwoo's chair as he watches Seungwoo do something with some files, some song sketches, something—Subin can't follow it. He feels out of his mind. He sits at the couch, the side of his body feeling cold now that he doesn't have Seungsik to lean against, and he can only focus on his breathing as he wills himself not to pop a boner right there and then; it's the only thing he feels he can do right now.

This is the worst.

He'd managed to forget all about the dream— _that_ one dream—but Seungsik—

"Okay, Junnie, I need to keep working."

Seungwoo's voice, which until now had blended in with the ringing in Subin's ears, is suddenly clear and incredibly loud in the medium-sized studio. Subin turns his head towards the desk, sees Seungwoo shrugging Sejun off with a smile, hears Sejun pout because he still wants to learn more of what Seungwoo's doing. But Seungwoo insists, directing Sejun to the couch, telling him to keep Subin company for a bit.

Like this, Sejun ends up taking Seungsik's place, coming to cuddle Subin, but it's different—it's _so_ different.

Because Sejun isn't Seungsik. Obviously. This is another one of those truths that are as plain and simple as pointing at the sky and saying it's blue. But Subin can feel the difference in the way they embrace him: how Seungsik had been sitting on the arm of the couch, arm lazily thrown over Subin's shoulder, hand simply resting on his arm and squeezing it whenever the other two did something especially funny, feeling more like a comforting presence than anything else; and how Sejun is completely different, curling up next to Subin and constantly touching him everywhere, legs thrown over legs and hands grabbing him by the arm, his clothes, _everywhere_ , and always laughing against Subin's body, Sejun's smile literally against him as Subin laughs along—a bit strained, but it's not that hard to laugh with Sejun.

The three of them are roommates; they've been rooming together for a long time now, and they probably know each other the best out of everyone in the group. Subin _knows_ they're different. But now that he's pointedly aware of how the two of them act with him, he can't help but wonder in what other ways they differ.

Subin can't help it. With Sejun so close, his eyes end up wandering. He's staring at Sejun's lips. He's thinking about how Sejun kisses him, always giving him what he wants, always sweet and tentatively at first but easily turning into a mess with just one bite on his lower lip. And he's thinking about how different it would be if Seungsik were to kiss him instead—if it would be anything like in Subin's dreams, or something completely unexpected.

Subin can't help it.

He wants to kiss Sejun while thinking about Seungsik.

And Sejun seems to notice him staring. The bashful smile on his face, the way he quickly shifts his eyes towards Seungwoo and then back to Subin, playfully cocking an eyebrow—it's impossible to miss. It's unmistakable. Even though Seungwoo is _right there_ —

" _No_ ," Subin mouths, eyes wide as he stares at Sejun like he's a madman. "No, absolutely not." Subin clearly mouths the syllables, shaking his head when Sejun's grin only grows wider, and he truly thinks his friend has gone insane. They might have made out in the middle of the dorm, but that was while it was _empty_ , on a day where no one would be home for a good while, but now they're— Seungwoo is less than two meters away. He's right fucking there. There's no fucking way they— 

Sejun cocks his head to the side, shit-eating grin on his face as he whispers, "What'd you say?"

This is a game for Sejun, that much is clear, but Subin _can't_. Maybe if this were someone else—maybe, if it were Hanse or Byungchan, but not _Seungwoo_. Absolutely not. Subin shakes his head, then mouths with urgency, "Seungwoo-hyung?" as if reminding Sejun of the eldest’s presence might help in any way.

But Sejun is a little shit; all he does is make a gesture with his hand, bringing it to his ear in a clear _I can't hear you_ way. Speak up, he's saying. Use your words.

And Subin does, because he's stupid, and says, "No, hyung. We can't—"

Just saying those few words already feels incredibly dangerous. The two of them pause, take a look at Seungwoo—find him with his back to them, diligently working with his headphones on, not paying them much mind. It's enough to let Subin let out a shaky breath of relief, but it only seems to prompt Sejun to go further. Be more reckless. He places one of his hands on Subin's thighs, and the action isn't out of the ordinary, not when you consider the usual skinship that happens in the group, but Subin tenses up all the same. They shouldn't be doing this now. Not here. Not with Seungwoo right _there_.

"Why not?" Sejun moves a tad bit closer, smiling against Subin's shoulder, and it really would be so easy to kiss him right now. To steal a kiss. Just one, less than a second long. It would be so easy and Subin wants to do it _so_ fucking bad but they _can't_. They can't. Subin wouldn't risk it all, not now, not like this, not for— "Hyung's working; he's not paying attention to us. We can fool around for a bit."

"Yeah, but hyung can turn around at any second and catch us in the act."

"I don't mind you two having fun as long as it's strictly first base," Seungwoo chimes in, loud and sudden and it startles them both so bad that Subin jumps in place, nearly hitting Sejun in the face with his arm.

When they turn to him, Seungwoo has a bit of a smug smile on his face, headphones on his neck and chair turned towards the couch. Subin realizes only now that he can't hear any sound coming from the headphones, that Seungwoo probably had them on without actually listening to any music, or else he would've been bobbing his head to the rhythm like he always does. God, he probably heard everything they said. Subin should've noticed, but he was so wrapped up in Sejun's game that he didn't. That's so— So they really are as careless as he feared?

Subin's head spins a little as Seungwoo's words slowly sink in. "W-what?"

"I know it's hard to find time alone when you're living with five other people and, well, with the job we have. So I don't mind if you two want to spend some time here." Seungwoo's smile turns a bit gentler then. "I'm not sure why you're keeping it from the others, but, as far as I'm concerned, you have my full support."

What?

"Just," Seungwoo quickly adds, "remember, strictly first base. Don't go around doing what you did at the dorm the other day."

_What?_

It seems to be the last thing Seungwoo has to say. He gives them one last smile, spinning his chair back towards his desk, headphones back on and hands on his keyboard. But Subin thinks he catches something else. Something Seungwoo mutters under his breath. And it's a simple thing, really. It shouldn't mean anything; maybe he's saying it because of something he noticed as soon as his eyes fell back onto his work, noticing a mistake, _anything_.

But Seungwoo mutters the word, " _Fuck_ ," and Subin's pierced right through the heart by it because he _knows_ that it's because of them. Because of _him_.


End file.
